What I Really Need

Oh, you know what I really need? Warmth. Sunlight. Family time. Possibly even a strong tequila-beverage. I just feel so beat down. This winter seemed so long and harsh even though it was actually a very mild winter here in Michigan. 

I need flowers. I need house projects. I need walks outside with my son. And mostly I just need grace. I make myself feel like I need to be everything to everyone. I have to be at my best all the time. I need to Be healthy and active with adorable clothes and a perfect life with all the answers. But when I'm 100% honest, I'd tell you I'm drowning. 

My day is primarily comprised of motherhood, with days of cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry and meal planning thrown in for good measure. A few sprinkles of husband time & Add in a few dashes of emails, handlettering, miscellaneous projects and social media, and you have my life. There is not time for extras. No social gatherings. No book club. Not many friends outside of my immediate family members. I may SEEM social, but I promise you, I'm not. 

I don't say this to seek sympathy or get an invite to your next party, I say this so that maybe others who are feeling the same way don't feel lonely. I work so hard to simply stay afloat on the daily. Today as I texted my husband who is off to work, "I really miss you" tears streamed down my face because I really really do miss him. And I see him daily. He's not off in the military or on a work trip. He's here. With me. Everyday. But I miss him so much that it hurts. We're busy. And I HATE THAT WORD. Busy. I cringe every time I read it in peoples messages to me, because I sometimes I wish I wasn't. 

A few years ago I listened to an online webinar about being present & choosing what matters. It was about taking 5-10 minutes out of your day to simply lay in the grass, or go and share an ice cream cone with your child. At the time I didn't have kids, I was living in an apartment a few hours away from family and spent a lot of my days alone working like crazy from my home office. I felt overwhelmed. You know what is sad? I never corrected anything. I didn't set any new habits in place to be better, to be more intentional with my time, or to make time for what is truly important and what matters.

Soon after that webinar, we decided to move back home, live with my in-laws while we looked for a home to buy. Life became infinitely harder. A few months later we moved into our new house, and were thrust head first into a busy wedding season, followed by a few home projects, followed by finding out I was pregnant, prepping for a child, followed by having a baby, Ryan going back to school for his Masters, then life as new parents, etc. Ups and downs all along the way, but to say I've stopped to lay in the grass, I can honestly say that has only happened once since then. The only reason I know that is because I actually have a photo to prove it. 

Look at how little Jonathan was! It makes me so sad to think that there are never moment of silence for me. Never time for me to be still, to shut out the outside world, to shut out the thoughts in my head about wanting and needing to capture the moment, to answer that e-mail or to be social on social media. There is no off switch. And I'm tired. I'm so angry with myself for having it take me this long to realize that something has to change. 

I'm hoping that by admitting this to the public, that maybe I can be held accountable. When was the last time that you laid in the grass or took time away from the demands of social media and the demands of your job to just BE. I need to do this more, and if I do, I'm sure there are others. 

Posted on March 17, 2016 .