Ever have those days where nothing seems to go right? A day where you type out a whole blog post, press post and then realize it's ALL.GONE. Lost forever. Or those days during motherhood where you feel like you are just not winning at anything? Then a few days later you have an amazing day, and you think back and wish you could tell your self that it's alright and you're doing a great job. Even as I write this, my son is physically attempting to break out of his crib in order to avoid his daily nap.
I've been seeing this question a lot lately on social media, "If you could tell your younger self anything, what would it be?" I think, wow, I have SO MUCH to tell you younger Jordanne. First and foremost, continue to be you, High school popularity means nothing, read your bible more, or don't marry the first guy to show the slightest interest in you, marry the one who loves you so deeply that he is willing to wait and fight for you. I could seriously go on for pages on all that I could tell you.
But what if you could fast forward five short years, see all the ways that God has provided for you, see all the things you've enjoyed and all that you've missed, and then go back and tell your current self what matters most. (without disclosing details of the future of course). Would you tell yourself to hustle harder? Avoid family time so you can get that promotion? Be bigger? Work Harder?
I know what it would be for me: Slow down. Enjoy the quiet moments. Date your husband. Kiss & snuggle that little boy for an extra five minutes each day, because he won't always be this little. Work less. Say no. Take the back roads. Worry less about the big plan. Read your bible more. Accept your husbands negatives just as much as you accept his positives. Take walks. Sit in silence more often. Social media really doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of life. Bake more. Love on others. Take better care of yourself, not because you hate the way you look, but because your family loves you and needs you around for a long time. And finally, remember that God's plan is ALWAYS greater.
That last one is so very hard for me. With my mouth and my brain, I can repeat this to myself daily, but my heart doesn't always accept its honest truth. Some days I believe this. God's plan is better than mine. Then other days, days that are consumed with dark moments. Hard, unbearable moments, where your face is tear stained and everything you hoped, prayed and dreamed and planned for crumbles right before your eyes. You feel lost, forgotten, unloved. You throw up your hands in surrender because you just can't see the light, while surrounded by so much darkness. You wonder, Where are you God? Why is this happening to me? How could this plan be what you want for me?
This time last year, my husband and I were SO excited about our upcoming doctors appointment. We were going to get to see the newest member of our family on an ultrasound. We were already planning out room arrangements, names, dreaming about the future as a family of 4. It felt like all was right with the world. Then boom. Its gone. It's Physically removed from you. Completely stolen from your heart and your plan for Christmas morning is gone. You are rocked right to your core and you don't know how to pick up those pieces.
It is in these moments, for some reason, when I hear God's voice. He calls to me in the lyrics of a song, or a phone call from a friend. He jumps off the page at me as I search for answers, understanding, some type of explanation as to why. I know my heart will never be fixed, there is not bandaid big enough to fix the hurt you will forever carry from this loss, but I know that God's plan is good. God's plan is BIGGER than me. So we carry on.
It's now been almost a full year of trying for another baby. We've talked to doctors, done tests, and as of right now, all we keep hearing is "wait". "Wait a few more months of trying" For a girl that had a plan set in place to be DONE having kids by the time I'm 30, those words just don't seem right. But here I am, waiting. The patiently part I'm still working on, but I think God gives you certain graces in this "in between times". Remember that your story isn't a Story of struggle, its God's story of rescue. -Rebekah Lyons.
What is it that you're waiting for? In what ways is God blessing your life RIGHT NOW as you wait? Leave them in the comments below so I can pray for you in this time of rest and waiting.
