I Can't Stop Eating Cheese...

I’ve tried my fair share of “diets”. Paleo, Gluten-Free, Dairy Free, Ketogenic. I found that cutting Gluten & Dairy was the easiest way for me to lose weight, 5-6 years ago. Here’s the thing… I would like to lose weight. There is a number on the scale, that when I hit it, I start to notice I don’t feel the greatest… Let me preface this by saying… I’m NOT large by any means, no I don’t have body dysmorphia, I’m not trying to lose 20-30 lbs… I mostly would like to tone up and feel better about myself.

Now at the ripe old age of 38… I’m realizing that losing weight is not as easy as it once was. For the past 2 months, I’ve been trying to do some form of intermittent fasting, and just being more aware of what I’m eating. Not so much snacking, waiting to eat, cutting out a lot of extra sugar. And the scale? It’s gone UP.

WHAT IN THE ACTUAL HELL? It’s almost like the harder I try, the more the weight hangs on. I’ve started riding my Peloton more, trying to do more strength training, getting good sleep, no alcohol, upping my water intake. Nothing. I know people try to tell you to trust the process, you’ll gain muscle and that might make the scale go up… The common lie is that “muscle weighs more than fat”. That’s not true. They weigh the same, but muscle is denser, so don’t worry about the scale, go off of measurements. I keep repeating this to myself… BUT I REALLY WANT TO SEE THE SCALE CHANGE!!!

In December, I asked Ryan for a HUME scale. Being the smart man he is, he told me he would not be buying me that for Christmas, because he would feel like a horrible husband. (He’s bought me a peloton bike for our anniversary in 2020, and the Peloton tread for my birthday in 2024. I promise I asked for both)

Not thinking that I was ridiculously out of shape, I stepped on the Hume scale a few weeks before Christmas and was sucker punched in the gut. If you’re unfamiliar with this scale, it sends electro pulses through your body measuring bone density, muscle mass, BMI, fat percentages, metabolic health, metabolic age and more, thus calculating out an “overall health score”. The number I saw was jarring. Metabolic age was way older than my actual age, all of my numbers were considered “HIGH”. It basically told me I was fat and ugly and sucked all the joy out of life. Clearly, this is not an ad for the scale… because I’m not quite 100% happy with it. Even though it does give good information.

Meanwhile, my husband, who is in the BEST SHAPE OF HIS LIFE, had the BMI and metabolic age of a MUCH YOUNGER MAN. Just call me a cougar, because I’m married to a 19 year old apparently.

All this to say, I want to lose weight, but I’m not willing to give up my reason for living. And that reason is bread and cheese. Gluten & Dairy. I don’t know how to function without it. It’s just so good.

I was going through an old sketch book from 2018 and this one made me laugh. I used to be able to grate cheese and not eat it. HOW? I just love cheese too much to give it up. I know it’s easier these days with all the “dairy free alternatives” but sooo much of that is processed beyond belief and makes you go… hmmm… should I really be eating this?

I can’t confirm this was the cause, but in 2023 I had an upper endoscopy that discovered stomach polyps and bleeding. Once I cut out the oat milk creamer and coffee, then added fermented foods I notice a difference and actually HEAL my stomach. So what’s worse? Dairy or fake dairy products.

I think I’m just trying to convince myself now that I can eat dairy and gluten, just in moderation. Everything in moderation. I’m praying that once this bathroom renovation is done, I’ll chill out a little, my cortisol will lower and maybe I’ll start seeing some changes.

Okay, until next time.

Adventures in Scrunchies, Saunas, Sneezes & Snail Mail

I’ve been sick. Not terribly sick, just an annoying sinus cold that has plagued one side of my face causing a steady stream of snot and tears, not to mention a thousand sneezes. Naturally, I’m the last to get it as I took care of all those in my house who had it before me. Making chicken noodle soup, tea and cleaning up piles of spent tissues. Now that I’m sick, everyone else has energy and I need peace and quiet. So for me, the last few days have looked like this… —> As I attempt to sweat all this out.

Not much has been going on over here, just the usual schedule <plus a sinus cold>. Piano Lessons, dance lessons, school work, working out, and home maintenance. These kids blow my mind daily with what they know and learn. They have a voracious appetite for books, math lessons, all things artistic and using their imaginations. Math & Artistic. When I was in college, going for my Bachelors in Art, so many of my classmates would talk about how much they hated math and how Artists DON’T like math because it uses the other side of the brain. As an artist & a fan of Math, I didn’t relate. Then I married a man who was artistic and proficient in Math, and we created three children, all artistic and enjoy the challenges numbers offer. Just over here making the world a little more interesting I guess.

I asked them all why they like math, and they each gave a very “THEM’ answer. Jonathan: “It’s all about problem solving!” Verona: “I just really like learning things, and getting to do ‘money math’.” Vivienne :”I like learning things by myself, and I can figure math out.” Independent kids with a love for learning. Cool. It’s almost like that’s the goal. Right?

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My in-laws gave my daughters a sewing machine for Christmas. A wonderfully nice and thoughtful gift. My mother in law is an extremely talented quilter and makes lots of amazing projects, and last fall she brought her machine and taught the girls how to make pillows. And they were obsessed! You could see their brains working with all the possibilities of things they could make.

I know how to sew. My mother always made us dresses and outfits and sewn things when we were kids, and my sister actually made BOTH of my prom dresses in high school, so I’ve been around a sewing machine my whole life. It was just never something I thought I had the patience to learn. In 2015, I decided to sew new cushion covers for our patio furniture. They aren’t perfect but they look great and did the job, and are still being used today! All this to say, I possess an underlying understanding and skills to figure out a sewing machine.

Well. Now we have our own. It has a permanent home in our homeschool room, at my desk where my old iMac used to reside. And like most things, I want to figure it out. Mainly, so I can teach the kids to use it, but also because I’m a maker. It’s just what I do.

Maybe I’ll make a whole other post about all the things I’ve attempted so far, but to understand me, you have to know I didn’t start with something small. I told the lady at hobby lobby that me and the girls were learning to sew, and she’s like “Oh did you try making scrunchies?” I told her no, and then showed her the bedside caddy I had made the day before, and said that maybe we should try to make some scrunchies as well.

Mission Accomplished. Verona now knows how to make them, and next I need to teach Viv. And Naturally, my children love to give, and my girls asked if they could make scrunchies for all their girl cousins. All our long scraps have been getting turned into scrunchies.

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Finally, my Lenten goal was to start writing letters to people in need of connection, looking to get away from the traps of their phones. I had posted something on my instagram on Tuesday, last week, before I signed off, saying to send me an email if you’re in need of some good ol’ fashioned snail mail. I haven’t gotten through all the emails yet, but I’m slowly getting letters written and posted! If you’re someone in need of prayer, encouragement or just connection, please email me at lettersofintention40@gmail.com and let me know your address, your name and what you’d like to write about, (prayers, encouragement, creativity, etc).

Alright, that’s all for now! Until next time!

Our Lenten Offerings

I’m a cradle Catholic. Meaning, I’ve been Catholic all my life, since a newborn. So I’ve done all the sacraments, attend weekly mass, go to confession, live my life as best as I can in accordance with the Bible & Catholic Catechism. I’ve been a part of 38 Lents now, obviously not being too aware of the ones in my earlier days, but I remember being served peanut butter sandwiches, fish sticks or cheese pizza at school lunch through the years. However, the core memory of Lent as a kid was always going to Ash Wednesday Mass at our school. (I attended Catholic school from K-12). As we got older, we were always worried about how big the cross would be, or if it would look silly compared to other kids. (Because kids can be cruel, even if it’s out of your control). It seemed silly and superficial, and kind of defeated the purpose of the message.

Seeing as my children are homeschooled, and spared of that form of torture, the last two years we’ve made it a priority to make it to Ash Wednesday mass. When you’re not solely focused on what other kids are going to say about your ash cross, it’s easier to listen to the message of fasting and almsgiving. Clearly, Lent was hard to understand as a kid. It felt like a lot of unnecessary discomfort. This whole concept of sacred suffering was lost on me, or at the very least, it wasn’t explained to me clearly. I always thought, “But why would God want me to suffer?” Even in to adulthood, suffering seemed like an unfair outcome.

In 2022, as I dug DEEP into my understanding of my faith, I read countless books by the saints and Catholic scholars about suffering and purification. Which only lead me to more and more questions. Questions I didn’t know how to answer, or who I should turn to for clarification. I felt a little overwhelmed by what I had found, so I texted my very smart, very faithful younger brother. I just wanted to toss around some things, see if he had any insight or recommendations on books I should read to understand deeper. When he texted back this:

“God allowed the torture and death of His Son on Earth, what makes you think you’re immune to suffering?”

— my wise youngest brother

Well, that was the punch in the gut I needed to hear. Why was I thinking my life should be perfect? No suffering, no inconveniences, no hardships? If God didn’t answer my prayers the way I had hoped He would, did it mean He is a Mean God? or Unjust? Of course not! It reminded me of all the time it took me to get pregnant, then having a miscarriage, and being told there is no medical explanation for my infertility. But we continued to pray, and “if not, He is Still Good”. Obviously if you know me at all, you know we went on to have 3 kids, but back to what I think I’m trying to say.

Lent is to remind us of the suffering Christ endured for us. As we choose things to give up, or fast from, we are meant to sit in our discomfort and offer up our suffering and prepare our hearts for the death and resurrection of our Lord. Taking that, and explaining it to children now as an adult, still seems a little foreign. I told them how we give up things we like, or sins we struggle with in order to heal our own ugliness. God will always forgive us when we come to Him for forgiveness, but we need to be actively working on improving ourselves to be better followers of Him. Jesus never said “You’re perfect just the way you are, no notes.” He tells us, “repent from your sins, go & sin no more.”

I could go on and on with this subject, but I think it might make some people a little annoyed or angry. I’ll leave you with this. Little Kids don’t need to give up anything for Lent, but if you show them by example of what you’re trying to do work on yourself this Lent, they might just want to do the same. The last two years, after we went to Ash Wednesday mass, with the ashes freshly placed on our foreheads, we sat down and discussed things we could offer up to God this Lent. We then wrote them out and hung them in a place we could see them daily to remember just what we need to be working on. It’s not perfect and to be honest, yesterday was spent in an anxiety loop of not know where to start or what to do… but I’m working on it.

Happy Friday! Until next time! <3