motherhood

The Comparison Monster

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Well friends, I have been Bitten. Hard. By the mean and nasty comparison monster. I didn’t think I was feeling that insecure about our life, home, style, etc, but as I sit here and type this, with the sound of ocean waves crashing, sipping my cold coffee and my two little girls napping peacefully, I realize just how harshly I’m judging myself. I should be putting my clean clothes away, cleaning a bathroom that hasn’t been cleaned in over 2 months, filling out the paperwork I need for Jonathan’s doctor appointment this afternoon, or one of the other million things I told myself I should do in order to make my day seem accomplished.

Instead, I caught myself in an instagram scroll about 20 minutes ago, as I often find myself; scrolling and dreaming of the day when I will feel put together enough to share more of our story. Maybe when I have more time on my hands to sit down and write, or when we have more money and aren’t feeling completely overwhelmed by the debt that makes us live paycheck to paycheck. I’m waiting for the day that my photos look like “HERS” and when my walls are painted white, with farmhouse decor (even though that is NOT MY STYLE). I'm waiting for the day when our house is “in order” or “settled”, or when I feel like our life is interesting enough to share. I tell myself that even if I decided to START this little blog that I’ve been dreaming about starting for years now, no one is going to care. No one is going to read it because we aren’t as popular or as well known as other bloggers with bigger followings. So, Who is going to care?

So… instead of writing, I scroll. And the more I scroll, the more bitter I become, because I want to be doing this… I want to hustle. I want to write & share our life. I want to have a reason to work in my office again. I want to listen to uplifting podcasts about going out and chasing your dreams and not feel completely guilty that I’ve been given this amazing opportunity to be a stay at home mom. I want to be encouraging and to find connection with other women who find themselves in the trenches as I am. I want my husband to see that this outlet for my creativity isn’t just something to take me away from my most important work of taking care of our children. Ultimately, I want to be able to contribute financially and still stay home with my children! (And please don’t try to get me to join your MLM, because I’ve tried & learned I’m not good at that stuff.)

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I have listened to Mary Marantz’s podcast on Comparison at least five times now, and I could list out a million things from that episode that hit home because it’s all Gold. (if you haven’t listened, go do it now!) But the five biggest take aways for me are this (most of this is taken right from the podcast):

  1. Comparison is the thief of TIME. How many perfectly wonderful days have we lost because we felt small by comparison to what others are doing, wearing, experiencing?

  2. We need to stop sentencing ourselves to a life where we don’t have permission to show up and celebrate our wins anymore (regardless of how small they may be).

  3. Stop telling ourselves that “it’s not okay to be a WORK IN PROGRESS”.

  4. We aren’t all running the same race. So throw the confetti & clap for your own dang self.

  5. The ideal finish line of success is not a fixed marker. And you could spend your whole life putting off being happy, proud of & excited for the things we’re accomplishing simply because there is someone else further ahead, running a completely different race.

I miss spending time with these beautiful ladies.

I miss spending time with these beautiful ladies.

:MIND BLOWN: Now can you see why I’ve listened to this episode so many times? Not to mention, listening to Mary Marantz talk about anything, makes me want to stop in my tracks and listen. She’s the real-deal friends, and if you’re not already subscribed to her podcast, you need to. Click HERE.

So I’m going to do it. I’m going to show up for my own life, throw the confetti and clap for my own dang self, because I need this. No more excuses for why I can’t start, because the journey is still the story. And if no one reads this, and it’s merely an outlet for me to feel a little less alone then so be it, I’ll know that I tried and gave my best effort. Because I don’t want to wake up one day, with my kids in high school and realize that I missed my chance to document their lives when they were young. I don’t want to look back and say “man it was hard, but its all a blur.” Because I never celebrated the small wins or the little victories.