First Day of School Jitters...

It always starts the same, palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy… just kidding that’s an Eminem song. But in all seriousness. The start of a new school year brings out so much anxiety in me. And when I try to put my finger on why, all I’m met with is confusion and more anxiety. Maybe I should take the advice from the wise Donald Draper and “Think about it deeply, and then forget it… then an idea will jump up in your face.” In this case, not so much an idea, but maybe the whole reason as to why I’m so crazy when it comes to the first day jitters.

Yesterday was our 3rd first day of school for Jonathan. He attended a year of Preschool, followed by young fives, and now his first day of Kindergarten, and I have felt on the verge of vomiting all three times. This anxiety generally starts to subside a few weeks in, once I start to get into the groove and get a better handle on our new routine… but that’s just it. Routine. I thrive on it. I know what to expect. And as someone who actually enjoyed this summer of cancelled plans, forced time at home, and all this SOCIAL-distancing… re-entering the world of OTHER people is so hard. (FOR ME).

Sharing the funny, honest & embarrassing on social media just comes naturally, I’d say I’m a down-to-earth human being, but when you meet me in person I’M PAINFULLY AWKWARD. So much awkward silence, I’m terrible at making conversation, in truth, I’m just SUPER shy… So when I meet people in person, they think I’m just not nice because I’m not super chatty right off the bat. When in truth… I really want to be outgoing, but I never know what to say!

Wow, this is actually quite cathartic as I hash this out in my own head, because I’ve already revealed two truths to myself as to why I feel ALL THE ANXIETY about starting a new school year. 1. Fear of Change. 2. Fear of forced interaction with new people. And the last truth, I just realized. 3. My projected personal fears of going to a new school with new people, for Jonathan. Let me explain…

Jonathan is an incredibly kind and energetic little boy. He loves to laugh. Love dinosaurs. Thinks everyone in this world is good. Doesn’t understand personal space, and general social etiquette with people who aren’t in his own family. So I’m constantly worried that someone is going to be mean to him, or bully him and steal his sweet naive spirit away from him. When I look back on my years of school, I’m not met with all the warm fuzzies some people might have. It was hard. I never felt like I fit in anywhere. People made assumptions about me because I was quiet. And I think I inadvertently project all those feelings on to Jonathan, even though he is a completely different kid. And I need to stop doing that. All I can do is encourage him to be the kind of kid that makes EVERYONE feel welcome, and teach him that everyone is different, but they are EXACTLY how God intended them to be.

So to sum up all my ramblings: Here is what I’ve learned while writing down some crazy thoughts and feelings.

1. Don’t be afraid of change. It’s good. It promotes growth and new habits.

2. Stop being so afraid to meet new people. As your life changes, so do the people you come in contact with, and just like change, new friends are also good.

3. Don’t project your own bad experiences on your kids, and let them draw their own conclusions based off of what they personally experience.

Dear Verona... {Year 3}

My dear sweet Verona girl,

It’s hard to believe you are three, because I still very clearly remember a day that I was praying for you to come into existence. As I pleaded with God, laying on a tear soaked pillow, I prayed for a curly blonde hair, blue eyed daughter who loved sundresses, singing, dancing and laughing. I prayed for a smart, silly, lover-girl with a calm demeanor, but strong-willed personality. I often wonder if God gave me these desires, or if you were simply an answer to a prayer I always knew I needed. Three years doesn’t seem that long, because I feel like I’ve known you all my life.

Thank you for being my air, sunshine & light. Thank you for being my Rainbow. Thank you for always being down for dance parties, Starbucks runs, & trips to Target. Thank you for telling me I’m a good mama, even when you can tell I’m having a ‘bad mama day.’ Thank you for always saying “hey mama, you so awesome” 102 times a day because you know it makes me smile. Thank you for being strong willed, I promise this is a good thing, even if people try to turn it into a flaw. Thank you for all the daily kisses, hugs, snuggles and forehead hugs, some days they are the only thing holding me together. Thank you for always laughing at my funny faces and for saying “oh mama, you so funny” and for loving all the girly things that I love.

I have so many dreams for you, my beautiful girl, but I promise to always be your cheerleader, no matter what direction you choose to go. I want you to always know that I am here to give you guidance but I will try my hardest to make sure it’s never hateful or judgmental.

This next year was going to be a big one for you, with going to preschool and meeting new friends. I’m so sorry that it won’t be happing due to current state of the world, but this year is still filled with so much promise and excitement, and I can’t wait to explore this world with you!

I’m so grateful for the beautiful little girl you are turning into, and when I look into your sweet smiling face you make my heart quadruple in size. They always say three is a hard age, but I’m so ready to go through this next year to continue to watch you grow into who God is creating you to be. I know you are going to do big things and I love you more than life.

with love,
Your imperfect mama

...Because I Love to Share.

I’m coming up on ten years of owning this domain. It started as a photography blog/business, and I used to blog almost every day. Some days it was interesting, and sometimes I was so bored that I wrote a poem about my pumpkin scone. But I have kept this little space here on the inter-webs to come back to every now and again because I will forever have this dream of one day blogging more about my life. I don’t find myself particularly interesting. I’m not famous, and I may never go on to do anything noteworthy to be added to the history books, but I love my family, I love being a mom & I love sharing.

“Are people even reading blogs anymore? Is this still a thing? :Check: :Check: “Is this thing on?”

”

The question always comes up “Why do you post so much online?” And my answer is this. “Because I love to share.” I do. I always have. I love connecting with people and making people feel less alone, especially if it’s by sharing something funny, sad or embarrassing that I’m going through.

I tell myself every couple months “Well once my kids get a little older… once life settles down… once I get the house in order… once I get a better handle on creating content… etc” The truth is, I always have an excuse to not show up here in this space because I think I’m not put together enough for people to find me interesting or actually care. And, well, that may be true. Maybe no one reads this and maybe I spent 20-30 min downloading my thoughts and feelings just to send it out into the void for no one to care, but I’m realizing that I’m okay with that. I want to be able to look back on this time and have a record of how life unfolded.

Life is messy. Life isn’t perfect, and not every photo is going to be perfectly curated, and I’m okay with that. I just want to be able to show up. Put together or not. So, here you go, here are some photos of our life lately… Happy Tuesday!

Verona Marie: A Birth Story

I have sat down to write this blog post so many times over the past 3 months, and I just knew that I needed a video to help better express our excitement and joy for this new addition. She was the promise that God told me about late at night, as tears soaked my pillow. She is worth every second of those 20 months of waiting, every second of heart ache and pain. She is a sign of redemption. She is my rainbow after the flood. “Rona” means “my joy” in Hebrew and “covenant or oath” in Gaelic. And that is exactly what she is to us. Our sweet rainbow baby.

If you want to hear the most laid-back, stress-free birth story, well I have one for you! Friday, June 30th, I went in for a prenatal massage, told the masseuse to do her worst and send me into labor. Contractions started as soon as I left the room. I began timing them, and for the next 5 hours, I had 30 second contractions every 2 minutes. It was bizarre, but consistent. After a quick call to the on-call doctor, they had me come in to be monitored. We walked around the maternity floor for about an hour, with just a little progress in dilation, they decided to admit me. 

I had a decent night sleep, with the contractions slowly intensifying. But when they checked me at 10:30am, I was still only around 3.5 cm. The doctor called an audible and without a minute to think about it, she broke my water and BOOM. We were moving. My contractions stayed at about 2 minutes apart, but quickly became extremely intense. I labored for almost 2 hours, and then received my epidural. 

After the epidural, I expected my labor to slow down, like it did when I had Jonathan. I washed my face, brushed my teeth and then took a nap. Thirty minutes later, I woke up with the urge to push. The nurse checked my progress and with wide eyes told me, “don’t push, your baby’s head is right there.” At that point my mom and sister in law arrived. I asked if I could quickly put some makeup on because I wasn’t prepared to do this just yet. I got my foundation on, the doctor walked in at 1pm, the lights came on and with 3 contractions, 7 minutes and a few pushes, Verona Marie was here. 

“Wait, did that really just happen?! That was so easy” i couldn’t believe she was here! So fast! So easily! It all felt like a dream. There was this moment that I will never forget though, as she was crowning and the doctor said “oh she’s going to be blonde.” I felt this instant flood of emotion, and couldn’t contain my joy, my excitement, the culmination of all my prayers & dreams, she was going to be blonde, just like God told me she would be. This was HIS story of Rescue and Redemption. His plans for our family, He knew them all along, He just needed me to surrender and allow Him to work. And man did He deliver. She is more perfect than anything I could have imagined for us. She truly is our joy. 

She feels like the piece that was missing, and Ryan, Jonathan and I couldn’t be happier. Welcome Verona Marie, we are so glad to have you here! 

All photos taken by Alyssa Fallon of Grace & Goodness Photo