13.1 Miles of Fear & Doubt...

I don’t remember what day it was exactly, but a few days into 2020, I woke up and decided to google “1/2 Marathon’s near me”. This was the year I was going to reclaim my health, and push myself far out of my comfort zone. Like most people, the start of the new year brings out a strong need to make a huge change, and the start of a new decade? Even more pivotal. I know we all woke up in 2020 hoping that this was going to be an extraordinary year, but just not as EXTRA as it has turned out to be.

““Ryan, THIS is the year I run a 1/2 marathon!””

Let me give you a little insight into me. I hate running. Like hate HATE. With the burning passion of a thousand suns. So to wake up one morning and tell my husband that I’m going to sign up to run a 1/2 marathon, he was checking my temperature to make sure I wasn’t delirious. We had a good laugh, but then I found the Detroit Race -Women Run the D, and marked my calendar for Sept 13th. I talked about it with a couple people, but for the most part, I tried to keep it under my hat out of fear that I might not actually be able to do it.

MARCH 11, 2020-

I signed up, paid the money, and told myself when it gets warmer I will start running outside to train. Two days later, life as we all knew it had changed. Things we never imagined happening, happened. Panic over having toilet paper. Stress Baking became a thing. We were afraid to be around anyone, but I thought, this will all be back to normal by September! Right? I did a lot of endurance training on my stationary bike, and tried to really like running, but only did a total of 4 runs in June & July, in order to “train”. But I started hearing that other races were being cancelled and I was CONVINCED this race wasn’t going to happen, so I exhaled and figured I dodged a bullet.

AUGUST 16, 2020-

I received an email confirming that I didn’t want to cancel my spot, and that I would complete my 1/2 marathon virtually. Now, if my life was a tv show, I would have been drinking a beverage at the time, and then dramatically spewed that liquid all over my computer. Well shoot. The gauntlet was set. I had less than a month to train. And so in true-Jordanne fashion… I procrastinated & ignored it.

I debated going for a couple runs… “if I wake up early enough, I’ll go for a run before the kids get up.” But that never happened. I’m a pretty active person and I do actually work out every day, lots of cycling classes, weight training, etc… so it wasn’t like I was out of shape, but I knew that if I tried to do a practice run, I would absolutely psych myself out.

In all honesty, I wasn’t exactly sure that I would even attempt it. There was no one to hold me accountable, and if I didn’t do it, I was only out the money I paid to register. I even tried to laugh it off as if it was a joke, on Sunday, September 13th, when I told instagram that I had signed up for it, and had a week to accomplish it.

When I say that I’ve only ever run 2 miles max in my whole life… that is not exaggeration. Two miles. And for some reason I signed up to run 13.1. Skip the 5k, skip the 10k. 1/2 marathon or nothing.

I went for a drive on Sunday afternoon, after I finished a super hard workout. I must have still been coming down off the endorphin rush of completing a 45 Tabata ride, because I listened to “Till I Collapse” by Eminem about 5x, and a few other songs that pump me up. That was it. Enough excuses. Enough Fear. Enough Doubt. January 2020 version of Jordanne wanted to run a 1/2 marathon, so that’s what I’m going to do. It had to be either Monday or Tuesday, so we made the plans, and that was it. I woke up Tuesday morning, brought Jonathan to school. Listened to all the intense pump up music I could find, and I did it.

However you chose to look at this year, there is no judgement, because we all handle stress in different ways. For me, I knew that if I woke up on January 1, 2021 and I didn’t accomplish running a 1/2 marathon, I would be disappointed in myself.

I let fear hold me back for a lot of my life. I’m 33 years old, and have let fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, fear of how people are going to perceive me, fear of failure, I’ve let these dictate too many decisions in my life. One day I woke up and realized I needed to start living and listening to those nudges from God. If I didn’t… this life with these people (Ryan, Jonathan, Verona & Vivi) wouldn’t be. Be brave. Taking those first couple steps outside of your comfort zone are really scary, but gosh darnit, they are worth it.

The first couple miles felt easy, but as it went on, lots of prayer and some intense pump up music had to push me through. I even did a quick facetime with my sister who gave me so much love and encouragement. Sure, I was in a lot of physical pain, had a few call out to Jesus moments & I didn’t set any world record on my time, but I did it. 13.1 miles done… I had only even ran 2 miles in my whole life. I told myself I COULD NEVER run a 1/2 marathon.

What is something that you tell yourself you “COULD NEVER” do?

(Side Note: I’d probably recommend actually training, because my hips and low back were not really prepared for that level of torture…)

I mainly did this as a personal goal for myself, but also being able to show my kids that you can do anything you set your mind to. Circumstances will set you back or stand in your way, but with faith and determination… you can move mountains. This is kinda cheesy, but I have a quote that plays over in my head in times like this.

““Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!””

— Rocky Balboa

Comfortable in my Skin...

There is a photo of me from 2018, that every time I look at it, makes me smile. It’s just me. Being a mom. I was feeling good, had lost weight, was eating healthy and felt so proud of all the hard work I had put in. Verona was just a little over a year old, and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I was finally getting back to my normal self again. About a month after this photo was taken, I found out I was pregnant with Vivienne…

I bring this up not because I was upset about having another baby, but to shed some light on the physical toll pregnancy and child birth can have on your body. I’m not saying it’s not worth it, but for me, knowing what the next year and half would entail made it a little scary to think about. Here I was, feeling the best I have felt in YEARS, tons of energy, starting to see definition in muscles, yet bracing myself for the inevitable hyperemesis gravidarum journey, bedrest, exhaustion, weight loss, pelvic floor dysfuncion, not to mention the belly and back pain. Okay. That’s enough complaining.

It’s been two years since that first photo was taken. In that two years, I’ve been pregnant, had a baby, breastfed said baby for a year, chased around older kids, stopped coloring my hair, but most importantly… kept a promise to myself that I would one day get back to a point where I felt as comfortable in my skin as I did in that first picture from 2018. And here we are.

Proud of the person I see in the mirror, flaws and all. Thankful for a body that carried and gave birth to three beautiful blessings. Even with the loose skin & stretch marks I’m comfortable in my skin.

Being an example to my children to teach them to love & respect the body that God gave them is something that isn’t always easy, but is so important to me.

First Day of School Jitters...

It always starts the same, palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy… just kidding that’s an Eminem song. But in all seriousness. The start of a new school year brings out so much anxiety in me. And when I try to put my finger on why, all I’m met with is confusion and more anxiety. Maybe I should take the advice from the wise Donald Draper and “Think about it deeply, and then forget it… then an idea will jump up in your face.” In this case, not so much an idea, but maybe the whole reason as to why I’m so crazy when it comes to the first day jitters.

Yesterday was our 3rd first day of school for Jonathan. He attended a year of Preschool, followed by young fives, and now his first day of Kindergarten, and I have felt on the verge of vomiting all three times. This anxiety generally starts to subside a few weeks in, once I start to get into the groove and get a better handle on our new routine… but that’s just it. Routine. I thrive on it. I know what to expect. And as someone who actually enjoyed this summer of cancelled plans, forced time at home, and all this SOCIAL-distancing… re-entering the world of OTHER people is so hard. (FOR ME).

Sharing the funny, honest & embarrassing on social media just comes naturally, I’d say I’m a down-to-earth human being, but when you meet me in person I’M PAINFULLY AWKWARD. So much awkward silence, I’m terrible at making conversation, in truth, I’m just SUPER shy… So when I meet people in person, they think I’m just not nice because I’m not super chatty right off the bat. When in truth… I really want to be outgoing, but I never know what to say!

Wow, this is actually quite cathartic as I hash this out in my own head, because I’ve already revealed two truths to myself as to why I feel ALL THE ANXIETY about starting a new school year. 1. Fear of Change. 2. Fear of forced interaction with new people. And the last truth, I just realized. 3. My projected personal fears of going to a new school with new people, for Jonathan. Let me explain…

Jonathan is an incredibly kind and energetic little boy. He loves to laugh. Love dinosaurs. Thinks everyone in this world is good. Doesn’t understand personal space, and general social etiquette with people who aren’t in his own family. So I’m constantly worried that someone is going to be mean to him, or bully him and steal his sweet naive spirit away from him. When I look back on my years of school, I’m not met with all the warm fuzzies some people might have. It was hard. I never felt like I fit in anywhere. People made assumptions about me because I was quiet. And I think I inadvertently project all those feelings on to Jonathan, even though he is a completely different kid. And I need to stop doing that. All I can do is encourage him to be the kind of kid that makes EVERYONE feel welcome, and teach him that everyone is different, but they are EXACTLY how God intended them to be.

So to sum up all my ramblings: Here is what I’ve learned while writing down some crazy thoughts and feelings.

1. Don’t be afraid of change. It’s good. It promotes growth and new habits.

2. Stop being so afraid to meet new people. As your life changes, so do the people you come in contact with, and just like change, new friends are also good.

3. Don’t project your own bad experiences on your kids, and let them draw their own conclusions based off of what they personally experience.

Dear Jonathan... {Year 6}

To the little boy, who made me a mama. Thank you. Never in a million years did I think I would know THIS MUCH about Dinosaurs and other prehistoric (marine & winged) reptiles, but you have made learning right along side you so much fun. Seeing your face light up because I show the same amount of interest in it as you do, makes it all so worth it.

I love you. I love the way you love me. I love how much you’ve taught me about myself in these past 6 years. You cheer me on when I work out, you always thank me for making you food and tell me its good, and when I have a bad mommy day, you’re always quick to forgive me.

August 2016

You have the sweetest soul. Your excitement for life is my favorite thing ever, because you’ve never met a thing or a person you didn’t like, and I love that about you. (except for spiders, like me, you really hate spiders)

Watching you grow up and turn into this little boy I see before me has been the best 6 years of my life. I never imagined being as strong of a person as I am today… if you told me 5 years ago that one day I would be able to get 3 kids ready, out the door and in carseats in 5 min flat, I’d think you were crazy! But here we are.

You got some of my favorite qualities from me and your dad and it has been so fun seeing them come out. I adore being creative with you, drawing, coloring, painting, and then also watching you and your dad geek out over all the technical stuff that you enjoy, building designs, working with your hands, etc. You are one cool kid, and we tell you that every day.

You are the sweetest big brother. You are so kind and loving and a little rough sometimes with them, but I know it’s because you love them THAT MUCH, that sometimes you just can’t control the cute aggression that you feel. (I get that way too)

Also. Your freckles. They are my favorite. And your cute Jonny laugh that you’ve done since you were little. I love you my bright eyed little boy. Thank you for all the love and grace you’ve shown me these past 6 years as I navigate being a mom. I can’t wait to see what this next year holds for you as you begin Kindergarten!

Love forever,

Your imperfect mama